Sometimes you have to stand alone, just to make sure you still can.

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."

Caroline Myss

It has been a very thoughtful week. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the life I left behind in Seattle/Washington, as well as the life I've lived so far this summer in Maine. I've been going back and forth between feeling queasy and hopeful at the idea of flying home for a visit. No, I'm not heading back anytime soon. But the holidays will be coming up quickly and I've got to plan for that. Just the thought of stepping back into the town and life I left brings up a great deal of emotions. It wasn't my intention to fully let go of Seattle this summer. I headed to Maine with an open mind and no solid plans. As it turns out, the universe did have plans for me.

The cosmic universe has been doing a lot of work on my soul, as far as I've been open to it. Abandoning all was terrifying, but freeing in a way nothing else could be. It's been an incredibly healing time for my soul this summer. I've been so fortunate to meet people who have embraced me so warmly, that little pieces of my heart that were once broken, are now gently being hemmed back together. Scars that once were, are slowly fading. What I'm realizing is that this is a team effort. Me opening myself up to people, things and places and then those people, things and places opening up to me. When we meet in that serendipitous way, the healing begins. My only hope is that I am giving back as much as I am being given.

I've been realizing my power in all aspects of my life. It's occurred to me that although I may have personified myself as someone who knows power, I haven't owned that in quite some time. I've been allowing myself to settle for mediocre, for broken and painful. Of course not in everything, this isn't meant to be dramatic. But deep in my heart, in my soul, I've been seeking and feeding off of many friendships and relationships that did more to hinder the best in me, as opposed to spurring on the best in me. This is no fault of anyone's but my own. Powerless over my destiny and healing is how I've allowed my heart to think.

My radar for the broken has always been quite keen, and I've been radically drawn to it. I'm convinced that there is a certain degree of maternal instinct that draws one to others who aren't whole, who need healing and who aren't able to find peace in their heart and soul. Which is good, we all need to care for one another. We can't entirely heal alone, there needs to be that encouragement and support from fellow earth souls. However, for myself, I have recognized that right now I can't wrap my life, heart and soul up in those who aren't ready to heal. And I've been doing that for some time. Allowing my heart to stay stagnant with open wounds that I have paid no attention to or gladly ignored. It caused me to become calloused, snarky and outright selfish more often than not. Not things I'm proud of, but the truth nonetheless.

I realize growth is all about seasons. We must endure and experience certain things in life in order to value what we came through and what we learned. The refiners fire, if you will. I'm not trying to diminish the life I was living prior to these last few months. But I am aware that I actively allowed myself to stay stagnant and used my wounds as a crutch, instead of as inspiration to heal and move forward.

My soul did know what it needed to do to heal. The problem was silencing my mind. No easy task. It's a wonder to me how many of us walk around in this world full of endless possibilities, yet never throw caution to the wind and seize that which will heal us in ways we can't even fathom. Though I suppose that's just it- we can't even imagine the wonder of what can happen to us if we take that scary step and follow what our soul has been crying out for. That is why we must  love and support one another. But one cannot pour themselves out and into others when they themselves are empty. We must heal ourselves in order to help others heal. It's like when someone is drowning, as they flail about attempting at saving themselves, if you aren't strong enough and you try to save them, they will drag you down with them, both of you dying in the process. If I value those I want to see heal, I must heal myself first and know my limits and boundaries in those relationships in order to not just stay alive, but to thrive as wholeheartedly as I can.

Have you heard your soul crying out for healing? Have you recently had wounds heal? Have you deadened your mind to the call of your heart? How do you silence your mind when your soul knows what it needs to do to heal? Have you had someone come along side you and pour life into you?

I admit that these answers that I seek

Are all to questions I've never known

But I pray to keep on looking for as long as I can roam

And when the world finally fulfills me

I will not forget my way back home

You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't

Can't you see the sunshine? Can't you just feel the moonshine? 

It's 2:30AM and I should be going to bed. Alas, I'm going to write. It's funny when the urge to blog arises. But here it is. Work tonight was... decent. I'm thankful for a job, especially one that I can get to in 46 seconds from my house on my scooter. That's pretty good. Pretty decent. The attitudes of the people there I could do without. I could also do without the entitled folks who are the greatest part of our clientele. But alas, it's good money and easy enough work. So thankful I stay.

Since being here, I've been able to start fresh in most aspects of my life. That's a pretty incredible feeling. I think everyone wants a clean slate, but doesn't know it. Being able to enter into friendships, relationships, jobs and the like without anyone having preconceived notions about me has been quite freeing. It's also been great to try new things. My life has been full of all things new. It's been so much fun getting to try and experience new things.

I've tried foods I've never eaten before. Scapes, fiddleheads and haddock to name a few. I LOVE scapes. Such a delicious treat. Fiddleheads I'm not convinced about, but I'll give them a few more tries. Haddock is quite tasty. I had a haddock/crabcake sandwich the other day and it was delicious. A haddock fillet, with a crabcake on top, so good! I've also been cooking. Ha. If you've known me in my adulthood, you know I don't cook. It's not that I can't, it's that I have chosen not to. I haven't enjoyed it and I have always loved the convenience of calling a restaurant and getting food delivered to my door or walking down the street to a restaurant and having a stranger prepare my meal. However, recently I've taken a liking to creating meals.

Last night I made haddock tacos and guacamole for our weekly get together- White Trash Monday- It was fun to take a couple of recipes and combine and tweak them for the tacos. They turned out quite delicious. I even made one lobster taco. That was also tasty. Next week it's a southern theme for WTM, so I'm going to try my hand at gluten free fried chicken and okra. I may even attempt collard greens!
 I've also tried a lot of new drinks. Blueberry soda, blueberry beer, blueberry coffee, dandelion and burdock soda, as well as a few different ciders. I've liked all of them. It's always a wonder to me that we have so many endless options for food and drink consumption.

Another favorite thing of mine this summer has been the new/old music I've been listening too. My friend Shamus has been inundating me with such great tunes. John Prine, Hayes Carll and Ray Wylie Hubbard have become essentials in my daily listenings. It's different listening to these fellows in a rural setting, as opposed to in the city. At least for me it is. Prine's "Spanish Pipedream" is a song I listen to everyday. The first time I went to Rockland's farmers market, the band played it and ever since I've been in love with it. Hayes Carll may be new to the scene, but he's clearly got an old soul.

"I got a woman she's wild as Rome

She likes to lay naked and be gazed upon

She crosses a bridge and then sets it on fire

Lands like a bird on a telephone wire"

Carll brings to life Hubbard's classic "Drunken Poet's Dream" with his own spin on it and does absolute justice to the song. Not something that usually happens. There is just something about sitting at the beach, smoking cigarettes under the incredible night sky while this kind of music plays. It's feeding my soul in ways I'll never know again.

A Rainy Day in Maine

  It's rather appropriate that it is grey and raining today. Two months ago I boarded a plane in Seattle, flew to Nashville and began my adventure. Here I am, two months later, sitting on the couch, in my home, with the windows wide open, listening to the rain soak the town. Wow. I can't believe I made it! I'm in living in Maine. I've got a home, a job, an incredible group of friends and I am eating blueberries all the day long.
This week I've been reflecting on when I first thought "I really want to move to Maine and eat lobsters and blueberries everyday." That was about three years ago. Now here I am. I just love that! Some times while hanging out with my magical Maine family, I just exclaim "I live in MAINE!"
  I am so thankful to be able to do such things. It makes me feel so passionate about life when I look back  on all the adventures I've had since I first moved off Anderson Island. Being fairly nomadic, I have moved around. Hawaii, Idaho, New Mexico and numerous towns up and down the I-5 corridor in Washington, all places that I've attempted to settle in. Seattle was the first place I found that I really enjoyed and liked living in. It is a great city- it's got it's quarks, but I really love that city. However, after five years, I got burnt out. Burnt out on city life and city folk.
  The pace was so fast, the things people complained about were superficial, everyone was always planning for the next moment, the next day, the next thing. Everyone was moving fast, had so many "things" to do, that you have to schedule just to meet up with friends. When you ask someone if they want to hang out, they have to check their calendar. Then they schedule you in. And then you have to hope they don't double book. Or you don't double book. You meet up at specific hour, then know that you only have a limited amount of time before you both are obligated to be doing something else.

Damn, it's exhausting just writing about it.

  I always felt rushed, I always felt tense and a little cranky. Some people like living that way, but it's not for me anymore. I'm sure I'll want to be back living in the city at one point. Maybe. This summer in Maine has been the most refreshing thing for me. I couldn't have ever dreamed up what's happened. I didn't really put high expectations on coming here, aside from expecting blueberries and lobsters. And those expectations have been far exceeded! Blueberries in everything- my tea, beer, ice cream, desserts, coffee, soda, BBQ sauce, syrup and pretty much anything else you can imagine. Also, on everything- cups, plates, books, clothes and on and on. I haven't eaten lobster everyday, but I've eaten it often. And the season isn't over yet- I've got plenty of lobsters to devour this next month or two.
  Rockland and Maine have quickly become favorite places of mine. I know I'm "from away" - that's a colloquial phrase they use here to describe anyway that isn't from here, that's from away - but I love it here. The people, the pace, the mindset, the priorities, all of it just aligns with what I need in life right now.
  Two months in and I am so thankful. I feel so sane, rarely rushed and generally always at peace. Even when I do get wrapped up in something negative, for whatever reason peace quickly settles in and negative feelings subside. I've been learning a great deal about myself this summer and am thankful for the freedom to explore what I want, need and am passionate about. I'm looking forward to the next two months! Can't wait to see what kind of adventures I'll go on!

The Price of Failure is $10

My most recent act of jackassery occurred Monday night. I went to Athens Pizzeria to take on the "Fire Breather Challenge" - The challenge?

Made with: Jalopenos, pepperoncinnis, Habaneros, Buffalo chicken, crushed red pepper, and Spontaneous Combustion hot sauce(with pure capsicum extract)! Total weight: 3lbs. Eat in in 30 min. or less and it's free! A signed legal wavier is required for participation.

No question, I am a glutton. No question, I love spice. This challenge was right up my alley. I had three friends cheer me on for said challenge. It's taken me a good 24-36 hours to recover from the event, but now I'm ready to relive the fire. 

If I die in any way during this challenge, no one in the vicinity can be held responsible.

The spice was intense, but the temperature was over the top.

At this point, every orifice is leaking. I am also very aware that my body may soon reject anything I put in my face.

At 30 minutes, this is what I had left :/ This is my defeat.

I gave the effort, but didn't succeed. Choosing not to vomit, I didn't shove that last pile down my throat in the final seconds. Alas, I failed. My thoughts on the challenge? This was some intense spice! They rate the pizza at almost 2 million scoville units! The temperature was a bit cruel, fresh out of a 400 degree oven, it was hard to just hold in my hand, much less put in my mouth. But aside from that it was a very worthy challenge.

My pores turned a fiery red by the end of the 30 minutes and I sweated out hot sauce. Later that night I would rub sweat off my face and it burned my eyes and everything else it touched. My hands burned from the hot sauce for a solid 24 hours. And my stomach, well it wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be, but all yesterday I was wholly uncomfortable. Not a burning in my stomach, just an all consuming uncomfortable feeling. Finally after some blueberry beer last night, all uncomfortable feelings ceased. 

If you're ever in the Mid-Coast and enjoy a gluttonous challenge, well then, give me a call and we'll head over to Athens! 

Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face

Today is my Mama's birthday. Happy birthday, Mom! I'd like to dedicate this entry to her... some of my own thoughts and reflections on my ever evolving relationship with my mom.

It's been interesting becoming an adult and learning how to reconcile the parent/child relationship. It's been confusing and liberating. As I've grown, I've come to recognize and appreciate that my Mom did everything in her power to be the best she could for us (her children). With the most pure of heart, she raised us in a safe home, full of all of the love she could exude. As a child, your mother is your world. All you want is to be with her; sit on her lap, cuddle in bed with her, talk her ear off, seek her approval in all that you do. As adolescences set in, so does much confusion. As a teen I believed no one understood me, especially my mother. Suddenly everything became a battle. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. No, mostly just the worst of times. I was a teenager the whole time, which, as we all know, means madness. And not the good kind of madness :)

A week after graduating high school, I moved away for the first time. I began to define myself outside of my parents. As a female, especially outside of my mother. Over the last ten years, I have traveled, I have lived and loved, but no matter where I've gone, I've always known I could come "home." My parents have always been a team, even when it wasn't easy. They've stood by each other while raising 4 biological children and countless other children, who may not have been blood, but were their children nonetheless. I honestly can't understand what it was like. I can try to imagine, but I've never been a parent, so the pain and joy I will never fully grasp. The one thing I have always known, no matter where I've been or what I've done, I can always come back to my parents. I know my mom is always missing, no matter the day or hour. Not everyone has that.

It hasn't been a perfect relationship. It's been a rocky road, as all mother-daughter relationships are. There have been months that have gone by when I haven't talked to my mom. It's said: "The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent." -Erich Fromm

This couldn't be more true. But at 28, I am continually reminded how valuable my Mom is. We may not see eye to eye on many things. I may live a life that she never imagined I would, but I know she loves me endlessly. Even when it isn't easy for her. The older I get the more I see my mom as human and for that I am thankful. Because as Jill Churchill said "There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one." I know many people who don't have a mom who is present or that they could run home to if need be. They don't have a mom who loves their dad like a teenager after 40 years of being together. I know plenty of people whose mom put her desires before the happiness of her children and I am lucky to have never known that.

I am also lucky to have had parents who have taught me how to love. My mom's passion for children who need love has certainly been passed down to me. If it weren't for her choice to be a stay at home mom, as well as a foster mother, I would never have seen what genuine love and compassion can do for another human being. I watched love grow children in ways you can't ever describe in words. And that all happened because my mom made a choice to love. She didn't have to, many don't, but she did. For that I will forever be thankful.

So Mom, here's to you! Even if I don't always show it, I love you. I am forever thankful for all of the things you did for me, even before I was born. You made many hard decisions that resulted in a better life for me, and I will never forget that. Thank you for loving me, Angel, Sarah and Ben. Thank you for loving Shamarye, Jada, Bella and Luna. Thank you for loving Dad like it's going out of style. Thank you for loving every child who walked into our home. Thank you for pancakes, bacon and eggs every Sunday morning. Thank you for family dinners every night. Thank you for still always having a place for me to crash. Thank you for opening up your home at a moments notice to me and a half dozen friends even to this day. Thank you for missing me when I'm down the street, as well as when I'm 3000 miles away.

 THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!  THANK YOU! thank you! ThAnK yOu!

Happy Birthday! You are a lovely lady and I am thankful you are the one I get to call Mom!