It's no secret, I haven't been one to seek or prefer monogamy for ... well, a long while. The few actual relationships I have had I more fell into than chose. That being said, when I was in relationships I was always monogamous and gave, for better or worse, all that I had. When the last relationship I was in ended badly, it left me with something similar to the taste of bleach in my mouth (and much fear in my heart). I went from R the girlfriend, to R the wild card. This was neither good or bad, it was simply a thing. Something I chose to do and just as I gave my everything to the relationships I had been in, I gave my everything to singledom.
The shenanigans that ensued from this lifestyle choice resulted in many a tellable tale. I knew how to have a very good time and my friends and anyone within eye or earshot was well aware of this. One of my more favorite games (if you will) was to walk into a bar and point to the most appealing suitor and go for it. Without fail, it worked every time. Every. Time. You can imagine what that does to a persons confidence. And when you walk with confidence, you can accomplish pretty much anything (or anyone) you set your sights on. New town, city or bar, same town, city or bar, no problem. I would gladly jump into any new situation and thrive in it. Scale the bar to explore the rooftop in dress boots and a tutu, hell yes! Dress up in costumes for no reason and razor scoot around town at all hours of the day and night, why the heck not?! Walk into (or out of) a bar and get strangers to come back to the resort, party or campgrounds to party with us, I'm on it! Dole out special goodies to friends and strangers and watch what unfolds, oh yeah, most definitely! Climb a tree in a party dress, hell yeah! Dress up and dance for 12 hours on rooftops, count me in! Take whatever someone put in my hand and consume it, done.
Needless to say, I created a very distinct persona. It pleased me that those around me knew and expected me to be up for quite literally anything. To be someone whom people always expected the unexpected from was a blast and I loved every minute of it. In the midst of all of this mayhem, as you can imagine, I met and dated many a fellow. I don't mean I had relationships with many a fellow, I mean I dated. I loved going on a different date multiple times a week. And the dates I went on! They ranged from comically horrifying to movie montage perfection. I was a very lucky lady and though I may not have wanted any future with any of these fellows, I appreciated each encounter, no matter how vapid or worthwhile. Because every date meant another story and I collect stories like a hoarder collects garbage.
Enter monogamy.
This has thrown many people for a rather unexpected loop. Which, for me is rather comical because if you know me, you know by now to expect the unexpected. But this is not the unexpected people want from the wild card. About a year ago I wrote about how I'd been wondering if "my hobby (serial dating) had become my vocation?" Not a "plaguing thought", but certainly something I had begun to wonder about as I spent long days and nights alone working on a rural farm in Texas. I wondered "Could I exist in a happy, healthy, long term relationship if I tried? If after I share those first moments and someone asks me to stay and not go, would I? Could I? Could I open that door back up and walk through it? If I could, would boredom and cynicism boil up quickly and destroy the potential of anything of true substance?" At the time the answer was most definitely NO! But as someone who loves growing, evolving and learning, it was in the back of my mind on each date I went on. The desire for short term began fading one day and soon it was less and less, though I continued to date around.
Then it happened. Someone asked me for more. Someone said "choose me". And with a great deal of consideration, weighing the pros and cons and being logical (or maybe wholly illogical), I chose him. I acknowledged that I had been allowing fear to rule that portion of my life. Yes, I had been having fun. Yes, I had enjoyed every non-committal date. I had no fear to jump into any new situation, but only so long as that situation was brief and came with a quick exit. Fear fueled every short term romance. Protecting my heart had become my full time job. When I acknowledge that and the choice was directly in front of me, well, choosing monogamy was easy. When you say "screw fear!" the choice for personal happiness and love is easy. When someone looks you in the eye and without a word you know that they know you are more than you have become, well, swoon. When someone who has heard of the aforementioned tales on an almost daily basis and loves you because in the midst of all of those tales, they have seen your true self and love you more with each passing day, you have to take a chance on that.
Not just monogamy, but partnership feels good. It feels damn good. Life should always be about growth. Stagnation is death. Fear of change is weak. And I am not weak. I am mighty. I love long, deep and hard. Monogamy is not the death of me, staying the same and not taking a risk on love would be. My behaviors have changed and this is a hard pill for some to swallow, but I don't make life decisions for others, I make them for myself. I am who I am, but I want to be more, do more and am crazy out of my mind excited to partner with someone who wants me to be and do more. Shit's getting real, are you scared? I'm not! Screw fear!
No comments:
Post a Comment