I Am a Breathing Time Machine

I wanna have friends that I can trust,

that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.

I wanna have friends that will let me be

all alone when being alone is all that I need.

I wanna fit in to the perfect space,

feel natural and safe in a volatile place.

And I wanna grow old without the pain,

give my body back to the earth and not complain.

Will you understand …

I'm sitting on my bed at the moment, it's dark and drizzly outside. Wind is blowing through the open windows of the apartment, causing the blinds to crash against the windows with each gust. James Taylor is playing on the record player and I find myself reflecting on the life I've started in Maine. Granted this is something I mull over often. But with the season changing, it's caused a deep reflection, not just on this new life I've created in Maine, but in life in general.

***If you really want to get into my head space (scary!) I recommend finding The Avett Brothers album "I and Love and You" (any of their songs, really) and listening to it (in no specific order) as you read this lengthy entry ...***

I query to myself: Is there ever a time when personal growth isn't good? No, I suppose not, I decide. But there is something about the change of seasons, particularly that from Summer to Fall, that makes the change in the world feel very significant. My personal belief is that we have drastically tried to remove ourselves from how animal-like we are. We pretend that using "smart" phones, driving cars and forming governments make us somehow above nature. Yet when our towns flood, an earthquake shakes the ground, or a tornado tears through a town, we are reminded that nature truly is in charge, no matter how "smart" our phones are.

In the Fall, we forget (or willfully ignore) that this season is one of migration, change, new skin, new feathers and new homes for many animals. Despite how "human" we want to be, we can't escape the changing of the season. Even our society forces us to change- youth return to school, coffee shops begin touting pumpkin spiced drinks, stores put up Halloween and Christmas displays and you're forced to accept that the long sunny days of summer have passed. Not only have they passed, but suddenly you're thinking about Christmas, which is 3 months away. What is comedic about this to me is that never in May do you see stores (or anyone for that matter) spouting off about Fall and the back-to-school season. But I digress. Back to us being animals... we are. Plain and simple. No matter how much we'd like to ignore the fact.

This last week I've been reading a bit about animals that migrate during the Fall. And I've found some interesting information. The Rufous Hummingbirds, which only weigh about 4 grams, fly roughly 2000 miles from Canada and the American Northwest to spend their winters in Mexico. Caribou migrate from the Arctic/Sub-Arctic regions during fall and winter, clocking anywhere from 120 to 400 miles just to get to slightly warmer areas. The one that really gets me is the Monarch butterfly. They are everywhere in Maine, but this is the month they begin their journey south to warmer climates. When reading about their migration, I learned that...

"In all the world, no butterflies migrate like the Monarchs of North America. They travel much farther than all other tropical butterflies, up to three thousand miles. They are the only butterflies to make such a long, two way migration every year. Amazingly, they fly in masses to the same winter roosts, often to the exact same trees. Their migration is more the type we expect from birds or whales. However, unlike birds and whales, Monarchs only make the round-trip once. It is their children's grandchildren that return south the following fall." 

They flap their beautiful wings for 3000 miles and succeed en masse. What's more thought provoking to me is...

When the late summer and early fall Monarchs emerge from their pupae, or chrysalides, they are biologically and behaviorally different from those emerging in the summer. The shorter days and cooler air of late summer trigger changes. In Minnesota this occurs around the end of August. Even though these butterflies look like summer adults, they won't mate or lay eggs until the following spring. Instead, their small bodies prepare for a strenuous flight. Otherwise solitary animals, they often cluster at night while moving ever southward. If they linger too long, they won't be able to make the journey; because they are cold-blooded, they are unable to fly in cold weather.

It reminds me that as we grow older with each year, to the rest of the world we look like adults, but it is going to take a season or two of a change of "climate" and/or geography before we are ready for what life holds for us next. We've still got growing (up) to do. Much like these butterflies, if we linger too long, we won't be able to make the journey. This reminds me of how important it was for me to leave Seattle precisely when I did. Had I lingered much longer, the course of events that followed would never have happened the way they did. Had I let me heart get the best of me, I would have continued to attach myself to a stagnant life and easily become to weak (likely in my heart) to make the journey across country.

Now of course I don't think every Fall I need to uproot and move 3000 miles from where I've been. I realize that each Fall, the necessary migration is going to be different. Perhaps one year it will be to migrate from one friendship or relationship to another. Or maybe a migration from one way of seeing life, to a new and different way. And maybe it will be to uproot and move to a new town (or country!)... it's impossible to know, that's what makes the changing season so exciting to me.

So what to do with all of this reflection? Well, for myself I am going to live the lyrics I sing, to songs I love. Like this one ... "My parents taught me to learn when I miss. Just do your best. Just do your best. It's the only way to keep that last bit of sanity. Maybe I don't have to be good, but I can try to be at least a little better than I've been so far." Being aware that it is migration season, I need not to worry or dwell on what was, who I was or what could have been. Rather, I need to live in the now. Embrace the life I have today, not the life I lived yesterday. It may not be a perfect life, I may not do all things the way I should, but I will do my best to do better than I have before. That is what I can give myself, as well as those who surround me.

In addition to all of this season change, I've been reconciling what it means to live in Maine instead of in Seattle. Of course it's only been 3 months, I realize that this winter is going to fly by and soon it will be summer again and I'll be amazed that it's been an entire year since I lived in Seattle. However, whenever I end a Skype conversation with friends or family from home or when I get a sweet letter in the mail, I am brought to that emotional state where all I want to do is wrap my arms around someone who has known me for longer than 3 months. It's healthy, I think. To me it means I've created strong bonds with some great people and that being away from them is actually something that makes me sad because they are great people. People who have brought much happiness to my life. Saying "see you later" to some friendships and figuring out what long distance friendships look like has it's toll on my heart. Luckily for me I am surrounded by some great people here in my new home. The adventures are endless and I smile about new things everyday. How lucky am I to know amazing people on each side of the country? To know that I have a home waiting for me in Seattle and if ever I'm back in Seattle, to know that I've got a home waiting for me in Rockland is a rather humbling and truly heart warming feeling. Yes, I said heart warming. Deal with it.

This weekend Julie, Abbey, Shamus and I ventured to Boston for an Avett Brothers concert. Roughly 3.5 hours from Rockland, we got an early start to the day so we could venture around Boston before the show. We stopped at Moody's Diner in Waldoboro for breakfast. The proper start to any journey. If you're ever in Maine, you must stop at Moody's. Take my word for it, I know my eating establishments.

After paying $6 for my hearty biscuits, gravy and egg breakfast, we hopped back in the car, blasted The Avett Brothers and continued south on Route 1. The drive was stunning, as usual. The day was clear of almost all clouds. It was warm, but had that perfect autumn breeze blowing. We couldn't have planned it better. Soon Boston welcomed us with a waving flag and brilliant sunshine.

We made it to Cheers and enjoyed some afternoon brews.

 Boston was awesome. A really great city I can't wait to spend more time in! I look forward to more adventures there over the next few months. We made it to the show and had a blast. The Avett Brothers rocked the house and played their hearts out for a very grateful crowd. I kicked my shoes off and danced to my hearts content.

With the glow of city lights surrounding us, we hailed a cab, headed back to the car and piled in for the long journey home. At 3AM I gladly fell into bed with a content heart for all of the wonderfulness that I am surrounded by. As I will do again tonight. My soul settles as the wind blows and I embrace now. Right now.